For some time in my life, I portrayed my healing experience as linear defined by a beginning and an end. In general, I convinced myself that identifying life experiences as compounded, marked by limits and time in one realm, was the easiest coping mechanism. Now I know how life experiences can impact and echo through the flow of living.
I was certainly struggling with "living". Managing my internal world that had been impacted by various childhood and teenager traumas required a tremendous amount of energy. In the absence of awareness of what was going on, it was as if life was being spun around me without any control. I started therapy in my early twenties because I struggled with eating disorders but, though I could find some relief, I still couldn't navigate the troubled waters of life.
In 2009 I had my first Ayahuasca experience. After 2 intense and profound ceremonies with remarkable insights, I thought, “that's it, I did it, it was hard but I am healed.” Honestly, I had a very romantic idea of healing. I pictured that one day the waters of life would be calm and warm forever. I imagined that the linear concept of healing would lead me to that final destination of persistent happiness.
Back then I pictured that this experience in a round hut called a maloka, surrounded by lush green trees was the final destination of my healing story. But very quickly I realized that I was holding a lot of unresolved experiences in my body and that various traumas impacted my value as a human. This realization was overwhelming. As an attempt to move away from the overwhelm I wanted to rush to become whole by chasing the questions: When will I be done? How much is there still to go?
This inner urgency to become whole was also a response to the trauma, it was the longing to be fixed! The reality was that this urgency to heal and lack of patience didn't help my process at all. At times I wanted to give up, I thought I just give in to the fact that I am only good at "surviving" but suck at “living”.
But then I understood that the linear concept of healing blocked my access to flow! Some experiences are not defined by margins but are determined by movement. I gave up the concept of a linear healing journey and let the healing process rotate like a wheel. I learned very quickly that nobody other than me has the power to let it roll. I recognize that it takes some effort to give that wheel the push to start its rotation. I believe that there is a potency within the wish to improve life quality. This desire can spark the energy to get the wheel rolling. I started from the place where I was at and dealt with was most present.
The wheel of my healing circled many times around the same patterns, the same coping mechanism and sometimes it stopped when the familiar survival strategies took over. At times I was not ready to face my shadows. Learning to be ok with that and still letting the wheel find its rhythm, slowing it down without giving up, was significant learning for me.
Along the way, I found more and more methods and people that contributed to my healing. I feel those represent the spokes in my wheel. Those spokes support the structure and by adding more spokes along the way, the wheel could gain more stability and resilience. Not every healing method works for everybody. It is a very personal journey to focus on what is helpful. In my case plant medicine and Ayahausca mark one of those spokes, my community and family is another one, not to forget Somatic Experiencing and novel experiences which turned out to be healing.
Many times I visited familiar stories of my inner world that I thought had been already renegotiated. Sometimes it seemed that the wheel cycled right back to those stories. In these moments I felt frustrated that I am still dealing with the same struggles. The healing flow seemed to be stagnated because it didn't feel like moving forward. Again? Really?
Once more I had to let go of the fantasy image that I pictured of my healing and its outcomes. Exactly the cycling back is a big part of the healing. It is moving forward by owing the depths of my wounds.
Healing is fluid. No script. No universal handbook. No checklist. It is a life experience.
However, the additional spokes that I had added along the way, had made the wheel more stable. That firm structure helped to expand my capacity. This increase in capacity, in turn, supported the freeing of a deeper layer of the trauma. That's when I realized that the rotation in whichever direction it might go, brings me every time a little closer to feeling more home within myself.
I believe that this is what all humans have in common: The desire to feel home within. Sometimes we are aware of this desire and sometimes not.
I just know that we are all trying to get there, in one way or the other.
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