Early on in my life, I already felt that there "was something wrong with me," but I kept this feeling to myself. I was convinced that other people surrounding me had figured out how to respond to life, and I was the only one struggling.
As a result, my isolation expanded and invaded every corner of my mind till the thought "I am wrong" solidified into a substantial belief.
At one point in my life, I came to a crossroads of either giving in to the belief or exploring what made me feel and think this way. Although I embarked on the healing journey, I struggled with this belief for a long time; sometimes, glimpses of these dark thoughts can still sneak up. One thing that I constantly bumped into was self-impossed harsh Pressure to be fixed and whole.
Pressure is a funny thing. It can motivate, bring forth hidden strength and power, and bring something to move. It holds beneficial energy; simultaneously, it can block, overwhelm, numb, and lead to a collapse.
I have experienced both qualities in my life. My biggest struggles were internally in my thoughts, which got enhanced by external pressure situations and various criticisms.
The belief of not responding rightly to external and internal expectations and Pressure without measure caused massive tension in my mind and body. It generated a sense of deep fight and flight in my system, wanting to leave my skin.
I felt Pressure to be ready when I was not, to be further along in the healing, to break patterns, to know answers about my desires, to make decisions, to achieve and to accomplish, to release fear, and to overcome my shadows. This cycle catapulted me into immobility and stuckness, creating more distance between the desired wholeness.
What if wholeness doesn't come with Pressure but instead finds its initiation from releasing and measuring Pressure?
I stopped trying to figure it out all at once. I realized that releasing Pressure meant accepting where I was. It is okay not to have all the answers and solutions. This allowance can reduce tension and create more space for what wants to happen.
When Pressure is released, stagnant air can move, allowing more breath and flow. I want to move forward and grow, but I want to engage this path without harshness and walk it with kindness towards myself.
I also noticed where I caused Pressure—Whether with expectations on people, in various situations, or even spiritually. Pressure can be intertwined with fear; in my experience, high tension rarely can result in satisfying outcomes. It is more beneficial to take a step back and interact with the fear and where it comes from rather than expect, with Pressure, some change.
I continuously work on creating more space between myself and the pressure vortex that doesn't motivate me to move. I focus on measuring the Pressure, releasing some static air, and rechallenging myself. This new approach also shifted my interactions with other people, and the dynamics softened.
Pressure can initiate change, and I want to use the juice of aliveness that it offers, not the tension and collapse it could cause.
It is a dance, a partnership with the process rather than a fight.
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