"Mi sento come un pesce fuori d'acqua" the Italian saying, translates as "I feel like a fish outside of water," and captures the discomfort of nonbelonging.
I've known this sensation of nonbelonging since the early days of my life.
I was born in South Tyrol, a border region in northern Italy, a territory that belonged to Austria until 1918. When the area became part of Italy, much suffering, oppression, and marginalization came upon the people that lasted for decades. I am part of the second generation post-World War II who grew up in the aftermath of the impact those wounds still have on the population. I witnessed how the region grew economically and agriculturally and began to flourish. The focus after the war was on obtaining autonomy rights, securing homes, and economic stability. For such a small community, bypassing the harm of history was needed to continue growth and prosperity. The way to do that was by covering up the open wounds with a blanket of silence - it was a global coping mechanism to move forward! Therefore, the injuries that the bombs and Fascism left have not been cured and are still impactful subtly.
South Tyrol is an autonomous region; the minorities are protected, and all three language groups living there have equal status. This was a huge accomplishment. Italian, German, and Ladino (Rhateo-Romanic) are official languages. South Tyrol owns a certain degree of autonomy in managing taxes and other decisions. The political model is peaceful, yet the language groups are not integrated but co-live peacefully, distant next to each other.
Speaking a German dialect, Tyrolean, but "being Italian on paper," paired with multiple challenging and overwhelming times during my childhood and teenage years, increased my awkward feeling of non-inclusion. Ironicly, an Italian saying can illustrate the image to explain my sense of not belonging in the best way.
Being part of a minority implied I missed the feeling of being held within a broader community or nation. This Feeling "like a fish outside of water " initiated my desire to travel and branch. I was seeking a more profound sense of belonging. I wanted to embark on a quest to pursue different waters where I could swim.
Where was that ocean?
Before I traveled to Peru, I had been to many other places. But only in Peru, I felt a sensation I didn't know: A connection to the earth. I had the opportunity to live with Peruvians to observe their simplicity and focus on the present and coping mechanisms in dealing with poverty. This experience facilitated an opening inside myself. Something cracked, and I could feel this sense of connection that I never felt before. The best way I can describe it now is that this was the feeling of belonging to nature and coming from nature. This sensation was felt within my flesh and bones and initiated the curiosity to explore more.
Having an opening and sensing connection showed me that I tried to find "belonging" outside myself. The more time I spent in Peru, the more it pushed me to renegotiate my relationship with my home region and my struggles with no belonging. Children in Peru asked me to show them a Tyrolean dance of my area or wanted me to explain my favorite Tyrolean tradition. Although I wore the traditional costume as a child, the Dirndl, I felt disconnected from Tyrolean dances and the music. I experienced them as old-fashioned and dusty and felt
unexplained shame around the Tyrolean rites. I never experienced the desire to learn more about the tradition that is still celebrated today. Instead, I felt ashamed. It is a shame that I perceived greater than exclusively mine.
Interestingly enough, many teenagers in other areas of the region or from other generations have a different experience and feel very proud to be part of dance groups and cultural unions. The relationship to the cultural heritage is personal and can be influenced by many factors.
The time I spent in the Andes and the Amazon with people whose ancestors have been conquered and killed and are still suffering from the consequences renegotiated and shaped my ideas of fitting in and belonging.
What if the ocean were within me?
It pushed me to discover the ocean within myself, which was sometimes very uncomfortable. I realized I always sought answers but forgot to ask the questions first. I always felt that I grew up in a wired, not defined environment but didn't know much about the substance of my homeland. The questions about the diversity of Peruvian culture have also been about my relationship to belonging and could be translated to my home region.
What defines a sense of belonging?
What and who impacts the sense of belonging to your home region?
What role do impactful experiences and people play in helping to find a more profound sense of belonging?
In Peruvian hearts lies a proud connection to tradition and customs, a celebration of their culture. Teenagers rehearse the traditional dances in the squares accompanied by blasting music from the speakers. I witnessed this strong bond with their cultural heritage, which varies in every area. No generalization is possible in how all the various indigenous tribes and mestizos live their connection to the cultural heritage from the Coast to the Andes to the Jungle. Also, in Peru, history marked the country and influenced the culture, language, sense of belonging, and no belonging of the people.
The curious phenomenon that children have been given interesting modern names, like "Madenusa" (Made in USA), "Land Rover," or "SieteUp" (SevenUp) expresses the dream to partake and belong to the Western World. It represents the yearning to have the possibility to profit from capitalism. Seeing those elements in the culture, I learned that everywhere I can witness belonging and no-belonging simultaneously, And this realization made me feel more included.
How is belonging defined by the language that we speak?
How is belonging marked by one's name and the story behind it?
Traveling with curiosity and open eyes can bring the most precious gift: many questions about the self and one's home regions, one's sense of belonging, and what counts in life.
Suddenly, I was confronted with many questions that pushed me to explore the ocean within myself, the different waters, temperatures, shades of blue, the depths, and the undersea worlds.
I still need to get all the answers. But the more important thing is to ask myself all the questions. The belonging within is in constant development; it is fluid like the water of the ocean.
I am not defined by one thing, by one easy-to-explain identity. My upbringing and costumes shaped me but represent only one part of me.
Now, I can hold the feelings of belonging and no-belonging. It is a sensation that is not static; it fluctuates.
My sensation has the consistency of water; it can have many forms, transforming from liquid to ice, snow, or steam. The sense of belonging doesn't have to be tied to one place or story. It can be connected to moments like being with like-minded people, feeling connected to my purpose, sharing intimate and profound experiences, and achieving peace through healing.
That's when I feel comfortable like a fish swimming in the ocean.
It is part of this life journey that sometimes I feel like a fish outside of water. It makes me appreciate the moments of belonging, which feel like warm water flowing smoothly through my veins.
My exploration to find belonging within is supported by my travels, inspired by other cultures, and shaped by getting to know my story and culture.
As a child, I wasn't interested in learning the traditional South Tyrolean dance, but I connected with the Andean Dance "Huayno" as an adult. And when I dance with a whole heart on the streets in the altitudes of South America, I feel strongly connected to the little Tyrolean girl and her story of feeling non-belonging.
I dance for her and with her.
She belongs to me, and I belong to her.
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