For a long time, I sensed a huge gap between me and the word self-love. I heard it, I read it, I spoke it but I didn't feel it. It is a word that doesn't earn huge value in society and it doesn't get a lot of attention. What is this word? Is it something that will show up one day? Is it something that we do?
Rarely it is something that we have been encouraged to seek within ourselves. Memories of painful events, hurtful words, disappointments might have damaged the connection to this word. But whatever it is that keeps us away from self-love it shouldn't have so much weight.
I spent much of my life trying to drag something from the outside in to fill this gap between me and the word, but it was only sometimes successful and even then only for short bursts. Grasping onto it was like trying to catch a cloud, eventually, I could see how exhausting it was to be chasing all those clouds to fill that gap of love inside me. I had to try something different. This brought me to the decision to partner with myself, to start a conscious relationship with myself.
I embarked on a new adventure. The first thing I realized was that this journey is a magical one, it has a beginning but it doesn't have an ending.
Moving along I bumped into four significant milestones which are helping me to build a bridge to self-love.
Acceptance
I felt the necessity to look inside myself and accept all parts of myself, the ones that want to evolve, the ones that show resistance, the ones that shine bright, and the ones that I didn't like. All these parts were unique in their own way, like many different scents of the Self, and all needed to be seen and accepted. The beauty and the body image, the depth of the dark feelings, the frightened and lonely emotions, the glow of the soul, the choices and regrets, the mistakes and the confusion, the limits, and the skills. Living implies welcoming the taste of life with all the nuances from bitter over sour to sweet.
Letting it be, letting it stand on its own.
Forgiveness
I believe that forgiveness can be a profound spiritual healing experience. Whether I have to forgive people who hurt me or myself, the goal is to be liberated from pain. Sometimes it seemed to me that being hard on myself was a connection that could be felt with more ease. I got comfortable in the discomfort and forgiving myself for this harshness took this tool of forgiveness. There is that moment in the forgiveness process when the feeling of loss kicks in. At first, it seems that there will be something lost when I forgive. But in the end, forgiving leads to the expansion of freedom and liberty. Forgiving means not to hold on anymore, and that creates space.
Forgiveness is the most authentic expression of love.
Discovering
That spaciousness provided by forgiveness creates the opportunity to discover the soul essence within. The most challenging part is to discover without comparison. By putting judgment aside and connecting deep inside myself I asked: What makes me being me? And surprisingly enough I discovered something new. Something that wants to be seen and recognized. I experienced that by getting curious about myself and meeting me right where I am at, a discovery can come forward.
Expressing
Any discovery increases its value once it is shown to the world and seen for its uniqueness! Expressing myself involves BEING! It also implies speaking my truth and setting boundaries. Honesty and authenticity are important allies in this journey. What I say, what I think, what I feel, what I speak, and what I do, should be in alignment. Expressing my essence means to paint the world with the colors of my soul. I seek to find different ways to arch the rainbow of my essence while holding my vulnerability within a brave heart.
For me, self-love is a result of metamorphosis. The relationship with myself is in constant evolution and growth. This is a personal journey, a unique adventure. Every journey to self-love is different but I think it all starts with one important moment, the moment of the decision to embark on this journey to find love within.
I realized something very beautiful: Once I meet the power of self-love, the uncertainty, the unknown is not as frightening anymore.
I have myself - I experience love within. And this is certain.
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