Homecoming

South Tyrol (Südtirol in German) the region I come from is not very known in the world. It is a border region in the north of Italy, once Austrian territory until after World War I, where 500.000 people live and three official languages are spoken: Italian, German and Ladin. (Ladin is a rhaeto-romance language spoken in two valleys in South Tyrol)

During the last century, this little land experienced the era of fascism, the bombing during two World Wars, the devastating forced "choice" of staying to become fully Italianized or dislocating for good to a german-speaking country and a fight for civil rights. Sometimes I feel that the rain of the decades couldn't wash away the pain caused by all this suffering. The earth carries deep scars.

In the seventies, South Tyrol obtained the status of an autonomous region, which authorizes a lot of self-administration without being dependent on the government in Rome and includes the organization of the school system into German, Italian, and Ladin schools.

I grew up in a very small village between apple trees and grapevines surrounded by astonishing nature treasures, often asking myself: Am I Italian or Austrian? Neither? Both? For sure not German… but then who am I really?

I couldn't grasp why three language groups live side by side, peacefully, but still separated. Culture, language, and traditions are so different. The mistakes of history seem to cut a sharp line between the language groups. My mother language is German, indeed it is a Tyrolean dialect. Learning proper German in school was also difficult for me. Even articulating the words with a decent German pronunciation can be challenging.

In my case the answer to the question, “Where do you come from?” is not a short one.

Growing up I sensed that I couldn't fit into the culture of my surroundings; I experienced it as rough and harsh, and still do. In contrast, I experienced my heart as tender and sensitive. I perceived the behavior of others, I experienced how emotions painted a clear picture in front of me and gave me a deeper understanding of the person.

Ironically enough, this skill connected me and separated me from people in equal measure. When people felt seen by me and my feelings, my soft heart was welcomed. However, I often felt that it was hard to find someone who could hold space for it. That's when being sensitive seemed to be defective.

The taste I got of South Tyrolean culture was an archetype of toughness. Not a theme I could connect to, especially after experiencing childhood trauma I felt more and more lost within my inner worlds of feeling.

No doubt that I had no clue how to handle all these feelings, and because of that I started to guard those feelings deep inside. My conclusion was, that there must be something wrong with me. There was a disconnect between my inner being and the culture I was born into. I felt not seen and not heard. It seemed I didn't belong to South Tyrol and South Tyrol didn't belong to me.

Once I pursued my dreams of traveling and saw beyond the borders of the little country I connected with a different flavor of life and I could start to heal. This needed to happen far away from home. On my journey to myself, I experienced a lot of inner "homecoming" and I speak often about how a healing process can lead to feeling "home within". On the other hand, I miss the part of feeling "home" when I step on the earth of my little country South Tyrol. The conflicted sentiments about this place bounce right back to me. Exactly like in childhood, I perceive I have to explain myself, my exotic lifestyle of travels and work, and my inner emotional world.

Everything has been different for me this year, as it has been for all of us. I had to come home from my travels, which was not my choice but what turned out to be the thing I needed. Now my feet are connecting with the earth of this little land. The land, where I experience that I don't fit in with my way of living, being, and feeling. Could it turn out that it is ok, that I and my inner feeling world are not fitting in?

This time my heart carries a different intention within. What if I get to know Sudtirol differently? What if I try to see it from my soft heart? I might not like all of it, but I don't have to connect with the parts of the culture I don't feel comfortable with, nor with those that I don't feel represented by.

There can be space between me and those parts, and I could intentionally join the parts that relate to me. Maybe my different approach of understanding vs judging leads to redemption, to peace and ultimately I can taste a glimpse of belonging.

This homecoming is a new journey. I am not sure how it will turn out, but I am willing to look in a different direction and walk a different path as only the one I have always known.

As for now, I can say that the place I come from, is a very unique little piece of land, it has its charm and it has its edges. It has so much potential which is not fully used because the wounds of the past haven't been sufficiently healed. The memories of loss feed the fear of possible loss in the future. Limitations give more security than being bold by trying to demolish barriers in the minds. The harshness which I experience in the culture is a form of protection and a basic survival method. I can see where all this is coming from and how hard it is to grow beyond the wounds of history.

One thing is certain, this time the earth of South Tyrol holds me in a very nourishing way. And this is not only because the world's circumstances are so harsh and disturbing right now, but it is also because I can feel that there is a part of South Tyrol within myself.

This is the part of myself that always fights for what I believe in and never gives up.

I am coming home.